Love

"If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love."

                                  1 Corinthians 13:1-7, The Message

I have been asked these questions, "now that I have gone through this whole adoption process, would I go through it again and what have I learned through it?" These are the two questions I have been pondering for quite sometime. I am going to be brutally honest here......this entire process was a huge step in going deeper in my relationship with my Savior. I had never been so incredibly close to Jesus as I was going through all that we went through to bring Lucy home. Now, sadly, I am having a hard time getting back to that closeness. It is as if when we came home from China, the stress of having a newly adopted child in our house along with everyone needing to adjust to our new reality has made that relationship lose it's depth. (Stress that I think only other adoptive parents can truly understand. Similar to how parents of special needs children can truly understand the stress of having a special needs child or fill in the blank of whatever situation you find yourself in. )  It breaks my heart. I want more. I want more of that deepness that I had several months ago.

Recently I heard a new song on the radio. It convicted me and nearly stopped me in my tracks when I heard the words, "If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but don't love, I've gotten nowhere." I was being spoken to through this song.

Shortly after I heard this song, I was on the Butterfield trail and this is the conversation I had with my Lord. I said, "What now? I want more of you."  You see, and I will be the first to admit that this is not right, but going through the adoption process was a "spiritual high" and after coming home from China and becoming face to face with real life, I felt/continue to feel lost. After such an experience how do you live life like the rest of America knowing there are more needs out there. There are millions of orphans all over the world that need families. There are more needy people out there that need help. How do I live this life knowing all this? I just started reading a book called "Wrecked: When a Broken World Slams into Your Comfortable Life" by Jeff Goins. Jeff describes being wrecked this way,

"This is what I mean by being "wrecked." To be wrecked is to be disabused of the status quo. It means to have a transformation that goes beyond mere words - to be introduced to another way of life, to follow in the footsteps of a teacher who is calling you through the eye of a needle. Often it involves being catalyzed by an encounter with pain. The process is horrible and ugly and completely gut-wrenching - and at the same time, beautiful. It is real and hard and true. Most of all, it is necessary."

What I heard in response from my questions while running was this: "Love my children." At first when I continued running I was thinking of the children in my immediate family: Ian, Aiden, Isabelle and Lucy. As time went on I asked myself, who are God's children? He said love MY children, not my (Laura's) children. This is what I believe I am being asked to focus on now. What does true genuine biblical love look like in my life? I ask this over and over, especially when it comes to my own family because this is where I believe it needs to start. I can care for an orphan. I can give money to the poor. I can DO all these things for other people, but if I am not even loving my family or............loving people at all, I "gain NOTHING"! (see 1 Corinthians 13:2) Let's face it, some people are much easier to love than others. We have days in our family that there is not a whole lot of love being shared or shown to one another and I am pretty sure those are the days that my focus is on the wrong thing. It all comes down to me being selfish, wanting MY time, wanting MY comforts. The focus is on ME. After a conversation with a friend about this topic I came across this quote from Beth Moore:

"I look back on the whole child-raising process now with total awe and wonder. I really didn’t have a clue what I was doing. Had I really understood the life-altering power parents have to help or to hinder, it would have scared me half to death. I’m so thankful that God knew what He was doing. I made so many mistakes. I missed so many cues. I didn’t always seize golden opportunities. Sometimes I was so exhausted that our bedtime prayers were pitifully brief, but to the grace of God, what we did sincerely attempt in His name worked.
In retrospect I am utterly convinced that the most powerful key to positively influencing my children came from something I sought not for them, but for me. I came to a place in my life where I wanted – more than anything else in the whole world – to love God. As a woman in my mid-twenties, I met someone who really did have a romance with God. Then I knew without a doubt it was possible, not just religiously hypothetical. I told God over and over that I wanted to love him ‘like that’. He whispered two words into my spirit that totally transformed my life. Two words that I have shared many times in my messages: Pray to. And I did. Over and over and over… Through countless mistakes a parent inevitably makes, the children knew I loved Him. And love covers a multitude of sins.”

What does true genuine biblical love look like for me as a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, an acquaintance, a member of this community, a citizen of the U.S? Just look at who love is......God.

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." -1 John 4:7-8

So with all this being said, I am being thrown back into a cocoon (as Del Tackett calls it in The Truth Project, and the last time I was thrown in a cocoon I ended up in China bringing home a beautiful little girl....HA!). I am learning all about love and focusing on what that truly looks like in this life. And not just loving the "easy to love" people, but also those that are......let's say.....a bit of a challenge to love. :) I am a work in progress. I just finished the book Loving God by Chuck Colson. I am amazed at how much the stories and insight that Chuck shares in this book relates so much to today and the book was written over 30 years ago. A timeless book. Another timeless book is the B-I-B-L-E yes that's the book for me.......oh sorry, got sidetracked.......I am rereading 1 Corinthians 13 over and over. One day I looked at the very top of the page before chapter 13 starts. It is kind of weird, must be part of Chapter 12, but under the heading of Love in my bible. It says, "And now I will show you the most excellent way." I am searching for true genuine biblical love and BAM! right in front of me it says......I will show you the most excellent way! I want to see the most excellent way. : )

"If I give to a needy soul
But don't have love then who is poor
It seems all the poverty
Is found in me" -For King and Country in the song Proof of Your Love

So, that is where I am in my walk with my Heavenly Father. Update on little Lucy Fei, for those that think this blog is only about her. : ) We went to see her ENT/cleft specialist in Sioux Falls about a week ago and she had her hearing tested. I enjoy seeing how you meet other adoptive parents when you become one. The audiologist that tested Lucy's hearing has a China doll that is 7 years old so we chatted all about our experiences. I hope I didn't delay someone else's appointment. Bottom line from the hearing test is Lucy seems to hear fine but her eardrum is not moving like it should, probably from fluid behind her ears. So after the hearing test we traveled across the hall to see Dr. Munson, who I found out is an adoptive father. He adopted a little boy from the U.S. foster system. He has 3 biological children and adopted this little boy. So we talked adoption a little. He checked Lucy's ears and said she would need tubes put in because of the fluid. So, next Wednesday morning (the 29th) Lucy has a little procedure to have tubes placed in both ears in Sioux Falls. Since it is nearly 2 hours away, I will be staying overnight with Lucy for an early morning procedure. Dr. Munson then said he would wait on speech therapy until she has had tubes in for a while and continues to learn the English language. So that will not start until next spring or summer. I am trusting the doctor on this. I was a little surprised he wanted to wait so long for speech therapy, but he has had experience with adoptions from China when he did his fellowship, so I will not question him. I just continue to sit down with Lucy and point to pictures and say the word and ask her to repeat it. We can work on it at home. : )

Update on the boys....they start school on Monday. Ian will be in 3rd grade and Aiden in 2nd. I get mixed feelings from them if they are ready to start. They usually say no, but I know once they are with friends and in a routine, they will enjoy it. We went on one last fun summer trip to the water park today. It was wonderful.....no one was there. : )

 I have started back to work two days a week and Lucy and Izzy have done great at Miss Sandy's. : ) It is so reassuring going to work and leaving those two girls in the care of a wonderful woman. Izzy loves Miss Sandy and Lucy has done very well her first couple times there. Izzy being there really helps and she is such an excellent big sister to Lucy. I am very proud of her.