One Month Post Gotcha Day

June 21, 2012 - Today marks one month since holding and meeting Lucy in person for the first time. I cannot believe it has been one month already and the Lord has been faithful to us throughout this month. We are making huge progress in the attachment process. We have limited Lucy's outings, but she has been on outings and there have been a few Lucy spottings in Mt. Lake by a few people. : ) This limited time outside our house has been very beneficial with helping Lucy feel comfortable with her new family. The thing I was most fearful about was Lucy seeing a new face and putting her arms out to them to be held. I remember an evening in China shortly after we met Lucy. We were eating at a restaurant and after our meal was done, Lucy reached out her arms to all the waitresses that were smiling at her and talking to her. She started crying and I could not console her. She wanted to be held by these ladies, not me. This was my fear of introducing her to our friends and family. This fear has not become reality because not once has Lucy reached out her arms to anyone but a member of our immediate family.

Everyday Lucy seems to show me a new action that confirms she is progressing in her attachment to me. Yesterday it was when she ran into the kitchen, threw her arms around my leg, and gave it a squeeze. Now, I am pretty convinced that at this point in her life, she does not understand affection. I do not know if this leg squeeze was just her mimicking something she has seen her sister do, but it was initiated completely by her without any prompting. This morning Lucy woke up about a half hour earlier than the rest of the kids, (at first I was a bit disappointed because she already wakes up pretty early, but it was worth it!) so we had a half hour of snuggle time. She sat on my lap, cuddled with me and even looked me in the eyes and smiled. These are HUGE steps. Throughout the day while we were outside she wanted me to hold her A LOT. I loved every minute of it! The best thing she does now is she holds out her hands to me when it is time to pray before our meal. She wants to pray with our family. Sometimes multiple times during the meal she wants to pray. : ) So many thoughts go through my head when I think about this awesome action. First, I know she does not completely understand what we are doing, but if she were not in our family and still in an orphanage in China, would she even ever see this done to even copy this action? Oh thank you Father for allowing us the ability to show even a 2 year old glimpses of You.

We have our routine down during the day and I once again feel like a normal person. You know, I read about a post adoption depression, kind of like a post partum depression that can occur. Of course it is one of those things a person thinks, "that won't happen to me." Well, I think I suffered a little from that. There is not much that prepares a person to come home from a long journey and just get back into life. I struggled (well still am kind of struggling) with having 4 children NEEDING me all day long and one of those children being a new member of the family so you have to work extra hard to meet all her needs. It was a challenge, but like I said, we are finally into a routine and things are looking better. I told Jason last night, "I now feel like Lucy's mom, not just a babysitter as she waits for her mom to come and get her." : ) Thank you Lord!

The Lord is trustworthy in all he promises
and faithful in all he does.^[c]
14 The Lord upholds all who fall
and lifts up all who are bowed down.
¹⁵ The eyes of all look to you,
and you give them their food at the proper time.
¹⁶ You open your hand
and satisfy the desires of every living thing.

¹⁷ The Lord is righteous in all his ways
and faithful in all he does.
¹⁸ The Lord is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.
¹⁹ He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;
he hears their cry and saves them.  ~Psalm 145:13b-19

Throughout this time of transition, my perception of what Lucy's "special need" is has changed. She was put on the special needs list because of her cleft lip and palate. As one of the members of our travel group said, "their first special need is they need a family", and I couldn't agree more! This has been our main focus since coming home that I have at times completely forgotten about her lip and palate. She does have a doctor's appointment at the beginning of July which we will then be referred on to a cleft team (several specialty doctors working together in the care of a patient with cleft lip and palate). We do know she will need some orthodontic work done because her teeth look a little out of whack on the top. : )

We have seen so much of Lucy's personality come out. She is such a fun little girl. She has SO MUCH personality. She is very playful and I just found out today that she is a fish in the pool. She loved being in the water. She liked it a little too much. I do not see any fear in her and that makes me nervous. She will have to be watched like a hawk around water. She seems to be fitting into our family just fine. Why do I even doubt!? We are hoping to take her to church on Sunday for the first time. We shall see how that goes. Thank you all for your prayers and support. Thank you, once again, to the MUMS group for setting up meals for us. This is just such a blessing coming from other busy, busy moms.

Here is a glimpse of our month in pictures:

Gotcha Day - May 21, 2012

Day we received the official adoption registration certificate - May 22, 2012

First glimpses of Lucy's personality coming out - May 23, 2012

Not liking being with Mommy too much : ( (In Zhengzhou)

There's some smiles (in Guangzhou)

U.S. Consulate day - May 31, 2012

Red couch (or made up red couch) picture - June 1, 2012

Playing at home (one of the first days home)

Little chef Lucy

Well, what can I say. I told you she has personality. I was folding clothes and she put her brother's underwear on, by herself, and walked around the house for quite a while with it around her legs. : )

Happy 2nd Birthday - June 16, 2012

Playing outside - Lucy's favorite activity - Father's Day 2012

Happy 1 month Gotcha Day anniversary, sweet Lucy! Your family loves you very much! We have come a long way in one month. : )

Ian's Birthday

June 18, 2012 - Yes, our June Father's day weekend is full of celebrations. I am wondering if Lucy thinks we have a party every other day at this rate. Ha! Well, this day is the day we celebrated Ian turning 9 years old. 9 YEARS OLD!!!! I cannot believe I am the mother to a 9 year old. I know later down the road I will say, I cannot believe I am the mother to a .......(fill in the blank) year old.

I wanted to make sure Ian's birthday did not get overlooked with all the transition and changes in our family life right now. We (Jason and I) just had to get creative since we are not taking Lucy out in big crowds quite yet and I did not want Ian to have negative thoughts about having Lucy in our family. So, on his birthday, after our social worker left our house -- (China requires a one month post adoption report on home life with the child, so this is the day that worked for all our schedules.) -- I fired up the oven and made all the food Ian requested: 2 different kinds of pizza rolls, tortilla chips and cheese dip, tacos with beef, beans, and cheese, cheese flavored pringles, Invisible kool-aide, birthday bash ice cream and birthday cake. (Yes, I really, really wanted to make sure he enjoyed his day so I went a little overboard with the food and said yes every time he asked if he could have something. I am guilty!) I had to throw some grapes out on the buffet line just to make myself feel better. Ha! We called Grandma and Grandpa Penner to come over and enjoy the food with us. We ate. Ian opened his presents and then had cake and ice cream. This was kind of rushed party because of field work that needed to be done, but I think Ian enjoyed it. He now has his own digital camera to use his photography skills that he learned during school this year (and he won't need to ask me for my camera all the time. Wow, that is really selfish of me).

All in all it was a fun evening. Ian and Aiden started a birthday slumber party down in our dungeon, aka basement, on Monday evening, but both boys ended up in their soft comfy beds upstairs before the night became too late. : ) On Tuesday he invited two of his buddies to join him at Pow Wow for rides, games, and more food. Jason was in charge that day and both my boys came home with a bottle of Mt. Dew in their hands. : ) Needless to say, I think Ian enjoyed his 9th birthday. I look at him sometimes and cannot believe he is my son. Sometimes he makes me want to pull my hair out. Then, there are those sweet moments when we can discuss and think through a certain topic that makes me realize, he is going to be o.k. despite my failures as a parent.

Happy 9th Birthday to our Angry Bird playing, lego loving, swimmer, sister torturing, Odyssey listener, Ian!!

Newborn hospital picture

1st birthday

Aww, our little boy is growing up

9 candles! ("3 rows of 3, Mom," said Ian as I was putting the candles on his cake).

I think Aiden is in the background demonstrating his photography skills. Ha!

Father's Day

June 17, 2012 ~ Father's Day - (sorry, I am back tracking -- been a little on the busy side lately, but now we are getting into a routine)

We spent Father's Day at home as a family. We started with donuts since the Daddy in our house enjoys donuts so much (specifically Apple Fritters). We played a kickball game with those in the family that were willing to play, *ahem*! (We had one on Father's Day that wasn't really cooperating. You will notice this in the pictures I tried to take.) We just enjoyed the day being a family again.

Here are some pictures celebrating the wonderful man my children call Daddy. 

Father's Day 2012 - one not too excited to get his picture taken

Izzy playing the kickball field

And Aiden playing...or not playing....kickball

My big boy still playing in the dirt

And Lucy playing the kickball field : )

Lucy's 2nd Birthday.....at Home

June 16, 2012 - We celebrated a very special day -- Lucy's 2nd birthday!!!! On her 1st birthday, we had a celebration at our home, without Lucy present. Here is the blog post from last year's celebration. Oh this was so much sweeter, having Lucy with her forever family to celebrate her life! She is one very special little girl that has a lot of personality, smiles, and.......well, has a lot of healing to do over the next few years. She is a survivor that has endured more trauma and hurt in her short life than a 2 year should have to go through, but there is healing and that is my prayer for her this next year. I pray that she learns what it means to trust. I pray that her heart heals from hurts she has endured up to this point in her life.
For now we just celebrated being together on her birthday! Happy Happy Birthday sweet Lucy Fei! Your family loves you!





The girls had to get dressed up for the birthday party. : )

She knows how to unwrap presents

The Good, The Bad, and the Unexpected

*warning, I had a lot I wanted to write and little amount of time so ignore all typos!*

June 8, 2012 - We have been home for 5 full days now and I am just catching my breath. Laundry is.....well, as caught up as one can be with 4 kids during the summer. I think I finished unpacking the last suitcase yesterday and the jet lag is pretty much gone. We are adjusting to our new reality of having 4 kids at home all day long.

Mostly our family has had to adjust to a little girl that is bonding with everyone but me, that is until today, but I will get to that later. First, let me tell you about our plane ride home. It went very well. We had a 3 hour flight from Beijing to Tokyo first. We bought a lap seat for Lucy, which in retrospect, we will never do again for any almost 2 year old with whom we will be traveling. She needed her own seat. Anyway, praise the Lord, it all worked out for the first flight. Before take off the flight attendant said she had 3 open seats in the front of the section. Do you know how much extra room is at the front of those sections.!!!! It was awesome. Lucy had her own seat and room to walk around during the flight. So that went well. We had a little lay over in Tokyo and then we hopped on the plane that we would not exit for 11 hours. Again, Lucy had a lap seat! When I came to our seat a young man was sitting in the window seat next to ours. I looked at him and said, "well, are you ready for this?" He glanced over at Lucy and just smiled. Thankfully, he was the nicestest man from Hong Kong (but born and raised in Australia so I enjoyed listening to his accent.) He was positive from the start and said Lucy looks like she will do great. Well, she did do great. The only thing that made me super sad was she woudl not let me hold her the entire flight. So Jason was stuck holding Lucy for 11 hours. She slept for nearly 7 hours of the flight and was pretty content the rest of the time as long as we kept the snacks handy. : ) Have I told you how much this child likes to eat!?  Anyway, by the end of the flight I was exhausted and I sure Jason was even more so. What really made me tear up was when a flight attendant came up to ask about Lucy and then said, "it looks like she really likes her Daddy. I saw you holding her and she cried and held out her arms for him." Uh, yeah, thanks for rubbing it in. No, I know she did not mean anything by it, I was just at a very sensitive spot at that point. Was this how Lucy was going to treat me once we came home? Well, the nice Aussie sitting next to us started up a conversation about Lucy's lip and palate and then we talked about the bonding issues she was having and then at the end of the flight he said she was in fact a very good traveler, for which we were thankful. We drove home after a stop at Chipotle!!!! We missed Chipotle so much we had to stop there for our first meal back in the States. : ) When we arrived home I had several suprises from sweet, sweet friends!!! Groceries in the fridge, freezer meals, muffins for breakfast, cards and flowers. Oh what a sweet welcome home!

Such a cute vase! Thank you E, K, and A!!!

Flowers on my front porch when I came home!

 Each one of these potted plants were planted while we were in China meeting Lucy for the first time. My wonderful friends from our MUMS (Moms Uplifting Moms) group planted these for me with wonderful signs planted alongside the flowers. Thank you MUMS girls! I love them and Lucy has already helped water them. : )

"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." -John 14:8

So that is some of the good of this post. Now for the bad. The first night went o.k. Lucy woke up screaming and I went in to comfort her. Long story short......she ended up falling asleep on our couch and slept in until about 8:30, yes, even amidst all the morning chaos of the other 3 kids. The first day with the kids seemed to go well. She loved being around them. However, she showed me that she could bond to them faster than she can bond to me which kind of hurt. When she fell down and hurt herself (for the first time we actually saw her get hurt) I went to pick her up and she held out her hands to Aiden. She didn't want anything to do with me, again. Ouch! That really hurts! Well, this has been going on the past few days. She still preferred Jason to hold her. She would even grab for Isabelle's hand to walk over my hand. Needless to say, I was getting a bit depressed, angry, frustrated, bitter. I never knew I could have such feelings toward an almost 2 year old. Jason and I decided that I should be the one to do EVERYTHING for her and Jason made himself scarce throughout the day so that maybe she would bond to me a little better. She did start to make some progress and then something would happen and I would be reminded that she didn't really want me or need me. No one prepares you for this type of response in adoptions. I was stressing myself out by working and working at getting this child to want me or need me, I was absolutely no fun to be around. I have had my fair share of crying fits over the past 5 days. We are talking uncontrollable crying. Why!!??? Why God, did you ask me to take this child in and give me such a love for her only to have her reject me and everything I am doing for her? Why!? My kids have asked several times, Mom, why are you crying? Mom, are you happy? It has been some of the hardest days I have gone through. The only thing I can compare it to is bringing Ian home and him not wanting to nurse and wondering why people want more than one of these kids. Ha! Anyway, Jason suggested that I go for a walk yesterday just to get out of the house and to think. My man knows what I need. The first mile was more crying. (Thankfully, we live in the country so no one could see me.) The second mile was self talk that I was not going to stress about this anymore. This way I have been acting is hurting our family. What good is it for me to work so hard and stress out about forcing this bond to happen? I cannot MAKE this happen any faster by forcing it. So, I decided I was going to contact CCAI's post adoption department and ask my questions about bonding. The response I recieved was so reassuring that we are doing things right with Lucy, but to stop stressing so much. They also recommended a book to read which I immediately put on the Kindle. : ) I also talked to a couple other international adoptive moms and they too had encouraging words to share from their own experiences.

Basically, I have backed off. Today I went about my usual routine, laundry, dishes, dealing with the needs of the kids, playing with the kids, etc. Plus Jason has given me a few mornings of one on one time with Lucy while he takes Ian, Aiden, and Izzy on his errands. I even went for a run today. My time alone running usually allows me to meet with the Lord. Today He told me, "I am here." I asked, "what are you teaching me through this? Why am I having to go through this?" He reminded me that He too has been rejected by people over and over even after the ultimate sacrifice of love that He displayed on the cross. He understands my hurt and He just kept reassuring me, "I am here." Those words have been my breath today. 

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ........ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." -Romans 8:35, 37

Today, for the first time Lucy whimpered and acted a little upset when I left her with Jason. She allowed me to hold her while we looked at a book. She reached out her arms for me to hold her. She is showing me signs of progress. She actually looks like she enjoys being with me. I do not know the reason why she has been treating me this way. A few theories have been 1. I was the one that initially took her away from everything that she knew and was comfortable with when the orphanage director placed her in my arms. She is upset I did this. 2. She was treated badly by one of her nannies in the orphanage and I remind her of that nanny, or 3. (my favorite) She actually had a really good relationship with her nannies and I remind her of those people she is missing. She is grieving that loss. We will never know for sure why, but we just keep working on our relationship. We have our good days and we may still have some bad days, but we will just keep working on it. It was recommended to us before we left for China that once we came home we needed to have a 1 month of lock down. Not many people coming over and certainly limiting our outings with Lucy so that the bonding can occur. At first Jason and I wondered if this was really necessary. Now, we understand why this is necessary. Each child is different. Some children may not need this month of "lock down", but in our case this is what we will have to do. One adoptive mom told Jason that she had a similar situation occur after they came home from India with their son, but she had totally forgotten about it until she read this blog. I guess it is kind of like birth pains. You eventually forget about these trials over time.

I also want to add that so many people have been praying for us for a long time and those prayers are also what is carrying us through this unexpected response Lucy is having toward me. Thank you! I am sorry it has taken me so long to update the blog.

Lucy does make us laugh at times with all her different faces she makes. She is a sweet girl and I see some of her personality coming out. She is a fun little one!  

Lucy coloring

Sisters picking their coloring pages

mei mei and jie jie (little sister and big sister)

matchy matchy

The girl likes shoes just as much as Izzy

more dress up shoes

We have to have a home visit by our social worker after one month of having Lucy. Included in this report we must have pictures including one family picture. So, a dear sweet friend brought us supper the other night -- (thank you Andria!) and I asked her to take a few shots of our family. I like the way our whole family looks together! : )

The Penner Family - 2012





Soli Deo Gloria!

CCAI Travel Group #1859 - Take Two

June 1, 2012 - O.k. today we put all the little munchkins in their Chinese attire and took pictures. Here is our entire travel group.....

And here is each individual family.....

The Kruse Family - from Kentucky

The Salmons Family - from Florida

The Pinheiro/Lau Family - from Texas

The Dutter Family - from Indiana (yay Hoosiers!!!)

The Craney Family - from Illinois

The Gates Family - from Ohio

The Teagarden Family - from Kansas

The Cary Family - from Colorado (plus Deb, their travel companion that helped out with their older son)

And here is some of the Penner family.....

Can't wait to get home and take a full family picture

As you can just about imagine the chaos that ensued when we tried to get all the kiddos together for a picture......

Umm, yeah, this picture pretty much sums up Lucy's demeanor....Oh we have our work cut out for us when we get home! : )

 After pictures we just kind of messed around in the hotel room. We picked up Lucy's visa and immigration paperwork (a brown envelope that we have been told numerous time NOT TO OPEN. It is kind of a running joke within our group.....Are we supposed to the open the brown envelope????? ha! The immigration officer at the airport is the only one allowed that privilege). We then said good-bye to the first set of families leaving for Hong Kong. It was kind of sad saying good bye. We have all gone through this experience together. We have swapped diapers. We have eaten together. We have swapped medicine and helpful hints on how to bond better with our children. We have spent the last 15 days and nights together. We have a common bond. It is like saying good bye to family not knowing when we will see each other again. Thank goodness for email and blogs and other such technology to keep up with these children and families. With that being said, it was sad to see them go, but it makes me excited to be only one night away from the start of our travel home. We are packed and ready to leave tomorrow morning for our first flight back to Beijing. We will spend the night in Beijing close to the airport and leave early Sunday morning for our flight to Minneapolis. It is going to be a long two days. Thinking about returning home makes me a little nervous also. We had dinner tonight with another family that is leaving tomorrow and we were talking about our transition back to home life. I am nervous we are going to go backwards with the progress we have made with Lucy. As Jason pointed out, Lucy is going to see different parenting at home than she saw here. This may bring her back to her grieving spells and she may regress back to her initial reaction to us. So, I am gearing up for what may come our way once we get home. I just met another adoptive mom in our hotel lobby tonight (from another agency) that was talking about her frustration that her daughter wants nothing to do with her and will only go to her husband. She said she is just angry. I told her my story and that her feelings are very real and I could totally relate. I did tell her that over time her daughter will get better. It just takes time. It can be frustrating to have this picture in your mind of how this whole process is going to go and then it completely not go that way. Again, a reminder to me that I am not the one in control of it. I am trying to learn whatever the Lord is trying to teach me in this. I am reminded of a quote from Jen Hatmaker in her book 7 (Warning: I will be quoting from her frequently) "...international adoption is not for the faint of heart. It's like the first year of law school where the main objective is to weed our the slackers." Ha! I see so many similarities again to my relationship with Jesus. How many times does He try to draw me close to Him, as His adopted daughter, and I resist because I like my comfortable place. Why take me out of what I am comfortable with? Why try to change my situation? The day we took Lucy into our arms, she lost everything she knew for the past 2 years of her life. Jesus tells us we must die to gain. We must lose everything in order to become His disciple. Well, Jesus knows, just as Jason and I know, that taking Lucy into our family is better for her than being put on the streets when she is 14. She doesn't understand that fully right now, but hopefully in the long run, she will understand that taking her out of what is comfortable now will be what is best for her in the long run. This is exactly what Jesus does with me sometimes. He takes me out of my comfort zone for my own good! I cannot see what the future holds, but I do know my Savior, my Father, my Jesus does know the future and He has my best interest in mind. I just need to stop resisting His call.

So many people have said thank you for sharing this journey. I want it to be very clear that this is God's journey. He just asked us to join in on the fun. : ) I hope our story has pointed to the only One who can receive all the credit and glory for this amazing process of adoption. He created adoption when Jesus came to die on the cross for us so that we could become a part of His family. I enjoyed writing about it....to journal each day as it happened and to remember the highlights, but I also wanted to share our story because maybe it is for someone else. Here is a quote from the book 7, by Jen Hatmaker (again!):

"Our stories affect one another whether we know it or not. Sometimes obedience isn't for us at all, but for another. We don't know how God holds the kingdom in balance or why He moves a chess piece at a crucial time; we might never see the results of his sovereignty. But we can trust Him when He says press on, cling to hope, stay the course. He is always at work, even if the entire thread is hidden. I might just be one shade of one color of one strand, but I'm part of an elaborate tapestry that goes beyond my perception."

This is why I have this blog. This is why I wanted to share our adoption story. And it doesn't end here. The story will continue.......

Soli Deo Gloria!

*Now I must go to bed so that I can get up early in the morning to make our first flight toward home! Yay!!!! : )